They Will Kill You – Dir: Kirill Sokolov (13th Floor Film Review)
Last week I reviewed a film about two estranged sisters despatching the members of a Satanic cult. This week I bring you… a review of a film about two estranged sisters despatching the members of a Satanic cult.
Directed by Kirill Sokolov, from a script co-written with Alex Litvak. Starring Zazie Beetz, Myha’la, Paterson Joseph, Tom Felton, Heather Graham, and Patricia Arquette.
What is it with not one but two “pursued by Satanists” flicks coming out around Easter this year? Releasing them on the cusp of a major religious holiday is either an exercise in Olympic-level tone-deafness or an act of superior marketing genius. Either way, subtlety is not on the agenda—They Will Kill You leans fully into chaos rather than contemplation.
Sokolov kicks off with some solid, if truncated, backstory on sisters Asia (Zazie Beetz) and Maria (Myha’la) Reeves and their highly justifiable daddy issues. Ten years later, Asia is standing in the rain (of course) ringing the doorbell of The Virgil, a sinister-looking New York high rise. The door is answered by Patricia Arquette’s (ahem) Irish housekeeper Lilith, and shortly afterward we’re hurled into the first of many perfectly choreographed fight scenes.
Zazie Beetz proves herself an action heroine to be reckoned with. Whoever came up with the idea of having a character wrap an axe head in an alcohol-soaked towel and set fire to it deserves a medal. “Fire-Axe” makes for one of the best set pieces I’ve seen in a good while.
There’s a clever twist in the Satanists, who inconveniently refuse to stay dead even when literally losing their heads. Think Death Becomes Her if someone had thrown buckets of blood at the situation. The copious amounts of plasma are not surprising given that Sokolov’s 2018 debut, Why Don’t You Just Die!, was awash with the stuff.
A very Quentin Tarantino/James Wan vibe runs through They Will Kill You, from OTT, super-slick fight sequences to the pulsing, fast-moving soundtrack. Action/horror aficionados will delight in spotting nods to Kill Bill and The Evil Dead.
Some of the underlying humour, particularly in the set pieces, is brilliant. In one standout scene, Lilith performs an impressive backflip while wearing a pig’s head (it’ll make sense when you see it), revealing her Bridget Jones-style shapewear. You’ve heard of The Muppet Show’s “Pigs in Space!”—They Will Kill You brings us “Pig in Spanx!”
The supporting cast adds plenty of memorable chaos. Heather Graham, making a welcome return as Sharon, a resident of the Virgil, is a particular highlight. It’s been a while since we’ve seen her in anything this outrageous, and she absolutely owns it. At one point, Sharon’s demise is spectacularly over-the-top, including a scene where her eyeball goes on an unexpected solo journey—it’s gross, yes, but also very funny. Graham proves she still has impeccable comic timing amid the carnage. Tom Felton gets into a different kind of robes than Draco Malfoy and appears to be having a great time as cult member Kevin. Seriously, there is a bloke named Kevin in a Satanic cult.
Myha’la, currently best known for her role as Harper in Industry, demonstrates remarkable versatility, balancing vulnerability, badassery, and dark humour in a role that could have easily been one-note. The tension between the sisters adds unexpected emotional depth to an otherwise gleefully bloody affair.
Paterson Joseph shows up as Lilith’s eternal husband, who tries to save Asia by literally writing “They Will Kill You” on her bathroom mirror like a desperate life hack. He spends the rest of the film attempting an escape plan, which, given the carnage swirling around him, makes him the closest thing the movie has to a straight man.
The rest of the ensemble contributes to the pandemonium, from hapless cultists to over-the-top minor characters who somehow manage to be both terrifying and ridiculous. The entire cast commits fully to the mayhem—dying multiple times, screaming in panic, or just standing around looking alarmed—making the world inside the Virgil feel authentically drenched in blood and bad decisions.
In the end, They Will Kill You is pure, gleeful chaos: Zazie Beetz wields fire-axes like a pro, Heather Graham’s eyeball goes rogue, and Paterson Joseph valiantly tries to pave the road to Hell with good intentions. It’s messy, ridiculous, and gloriously over-the-top—and you won’t be able to look away, even in the gross parts.
PS: I feel that I would be remiss to fail to address the crime against Celtic dialect that is Arquette’s half-hearted attempt at an Irish accent. I genuinely had to check Wikipedia (to be sure, to be sure) to confirm that’s what she was aiming for, because what emerges is a sloppy, vowel-mangling mess. Wikipedia insists she’s “the Irish superintendent at the Virgil,” a description that should prompt Ireland to sue for misrepresentation.
Was there a dialect coach on this film? Because if so—and the result still lands somewhere between Tom Cruise in Far and Away and Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins—some serious career reflection is in order. I’ll concede I’m no accent expert; my Scottish attempts have been mistaken for “somewhere near Bombay.” But even with in-laws from Ireland, I feel confident saying Arquette should be laughed out of all four provinces for banjaxing this so spectacularly.
PPS: I honestly kept expecting her to break into “fiddle-dee-dee, potato, potato, potato.”
Jo Barry
They Will Kill You is in NZ Cinemas March 26th. Click here for tickets and showtimes.
